Sunday, September 21, 2014

An Unsuccesful Adoption Story

Although this story does not have the happy ending we planned for, it is still our story and a big chapter in our life book.  With that said I look forward to writing this out and sharing this process and emotions.

Brandon and I had discussed options for expanding our family in late 2013.  After lots of discussion Brandon finally told me to request all the paperwork we needed to get certified for adoption again.  I quickly requested the papers from LDSFS.  As soon as I got them I printed them out and sat at my desk at work to start filling them out.  Before I could write I single thing down I was completely overcome and knew that the timing just wasn't right to move forward with this.   I went home and told Brandon and he agreed so we put those papers away and felt at peace.  The discussion was put on the back burning for the time being.

March 28, 2014 - This was just any ordinary day.  I was at home working on a birthday cake and it was consuming most of my day.  That afternoon I sat down to take a break.  I got my phone and checked facebook and then decided to check my email.  Most it was junk that I was quickly going through and deleting.  I came to an email that just showed it was from an email address, no name and the subject just said, Hello.  Most people know emails that come across like this are usually just junk.  So I slide the message over on my iPhone with the delete button on my screen ready to delete it. For some reason I hesitated and decided maybe I should just look at it.  So I open this email and much to my surprise, it was not junk!  It was a quick note from a girl named C telling us that she has been thinking about giving her baby up for adoption and she saw us online and was looking for a couple like us.  I was shocked!  It took me be complete surprise.  I called Brandon in and read him the email.  He to was surprised. I didn't know how she saw us online so I asked.  She told me that her Dr had given her an LDSFS card and she googled it and we popped up.  Now I have no idea how that happened since we have not had a live profile since Jordan's birth mom picked us in January 2012.  But somehow we came up and she was able to look at our profile and contact us.  Miracle? Maybe!
 C and I sent emails back and forth for a bit and then I left the conversation open for her to contact us again if she wanted to.   Brandon and I talked about it and kinda just decided that we would leave it up to her to contact us again if it was meant to be.  Well after a couple days and she continuously being on my mind I decided to send her an email just to see how she was and to see if she was able to contact an adoption agency yet.  A few emails later we both felt as though we were the family for her baby and made plans for us to come meet her and go to her next Dr. appointment with her to find out the sex of the baby. 
We were excited and nervous and anxious and knew that we had a lot of work to do before September.  We weren't even certified to adopt!!  There was a lot of decisions to make at this time about weather to use attorneys or use LDSFS again.  Once we made the decision, then the paperwork began.  Anyone who has done this process knows that it is not an easy one.  It requires LOTS of paperwork, fingerprints, background checks, homestudys with multiply visits.  And although money doesn't matter in a time like this, it does require a nice chunk of money.  But we started all this and we were excited to do it!
The time finally came to meet C.  I was a ball of nerves.  Being nervous makes me sick to my stomach, literally, so it was a LONG morning.  We decided to meet her for lunch before her Dr appointment to kinda break the ice.  So we meet her and her friend and her son at Paradise Bakery on April 28th.  It was a good lunch, not tons of conversation but good.  Then we went to her Dr appointment.  I was so grateful she allowed us to be there for this.   It was so awesome to see this tiny baby up on that big screen and after awhile they finally said it was a BOY!!  I would of been excited either way but since our family is mostly full of girls, I was excited for it to be a boy!!
From that point on we continued to have almost daily contact with C and continued to attend another 7 of her 9 appointments with her.  Even if it was a 7 hour round trip drive for a 20 minutes appointment, it was worth it every time.  We developed a great relationship with her and my love for both her and this sweet growing baby boy grew stronger and stronger every single day!
During these 5 months we did everything we could to get ready for this baby.  We got certified, we got out all the baby stuff we have, we moved back into out bigger house for more room, bought a bigger car to fit 2 car seats, we bought, received and washed lots of super cute baby boy clothes, we decorated a nursery and mostly prepared our hearts for the amazing gift we were going to receive.

Jordan was excited to have a baby brother and spend time practicing her big sister skills.

(Sorry for the naked pictures.  I swear she does wear clothes)
September seemed to take forever to get here and baby boy pretending like maybe he was going to make his debut in August but he stayed in and finally C's Dr decided we would force him out on Monday, September 15th. To say I was excited was an under statement.  Finally, we were going to have another baby.  Jordan was going to have a sibling!!!
I talked with C daily the weekend before her scheduled induction.  Although I knew all of this was becoming very real to her and she was starting to freak out, all still seemed to be OK.  We did all the last minute preparations that weekend and finally loaded up the car and headed to Phoenix Sunday evening so we would be there and ready as soon as the hospital called when they had a room ready Monday morning. 
Monday is when everything started to change.  I messaged C that morning just to tell her how excited we were and although this was going to be a hard day that it would also be great and I couldn't wait to hear from her.  We sat around all morning anxiously waiting to hear from her.  After several hours has passed I decided to message her and at the time her friend let me know that they were already at the hospital and she didn't want anyone there.  Although with adoption you prepare for bumps in the road, I immediately dropped my phone and went to the bathroom and just sobbed.  I think I knew right at that moment that things were over but I was still holding onto hope.  Well to make this extremely long story a little bit shorter... after waiting all day, finally a little after 1am Tuesday morning, I found out that a perfect baby boy had been born at 8:56 pm.  The emotion that came with this news is a little indescribable.  I was so excited that he was finally here but my heart was breaking because I wasn't there and really didn't have any right to be there.  I wanted nothing more to hold him and love him and be there for his sweet mommy but instead I just had to lay in bed and do my best to sleep. 
The next day and a half were so hard and sad and confusing and I know they were for C as well.  I know this wasn't an easy decision for her and it caused her a lot of pain and heartache as well.  I cried a lot in those couple days, I questioned a lot, I was sad and angry and confused. 
Finally Wednesday came.  This is the day of discharge and I knew this was the day we would finally get an answer.  I already knew what the answer was going to be but part of me just was hoping I was wrong.  I was hoping she remembered all the reason she choose adoption in the first place and that these reasons would out weigh the thought of her broken heart.  But I knew and I think that helped me once the answer was finally given.   There was just no way she could give her baby away.  It was to much and she couldn't do it.  Some people would think that this news should of made me angry.  It should of made me hate her for putting me through this.  But that is far from the truth.  I loved her and I loved that sweet baby.  She was placed with the hardest choice a mother could ever have and at this time she decided that parenting her child was the best choice. 
I decided that I still wanted so bad to see her and to hold that sweet boy and I was so happy that she allowed me to come to the hospital.  I was so excited to see him and to hold him. Her was cute and perfect and amazing!  I took her the basket we had made for her.  this was meant to be given to her when we all left the hospital and even though circumstances had changed, these were items purchased specifically for her and I still wanted her to have them.  It was a great visit.  No tears were shed and no angry was present.  I was 100% truly happy for her and so glad I got to snuggle this sweet baby.  Of course, out of love for them, I am concerned about the struggles they will may face.  Being a single mother of one is hard enough but now to be a single mother of 2 I know she will have hard days and that is one reason I will always continue to pray for them.   But this is a day I will forever be grateful for.

Going home with an empty car seat and placing it in an empty nursery was hard!  Even though I was at peace with C keeping her sweet baby, I was still empty inside.  I was ready to have a baby in my arms and that didn't happen.  I was down in the dumps for a couple of days for sure.  I felt a bit numb and just didn't really care to do anything.  But through my prayers and prayers of many others I am also filled with peace knowing that everything would be okay.  I have no doubt that this nursery will be filled again.  That car seat will be used at some point.  I don't when and I don't know how that child may come to be but I know it will.  I have faith in our Heavenly Father that he will bless us with our righteous desires. 
I don't know the reason for this trial.  I don't understand how so many miraculous things had to happen for this women to come into our life just for this adoption to fail but I do know everything happens for a reason and someday we will know the meaning of all things.  My faith is not lost but strengthened. I will forever love sweet C and her baby L will always hold a special place in my heart.  So although this wasn't the ending we hoped for, it is the ending that was meant to be in this story. :)