Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Jordan Dawn Little

     Since our baby is now 2 month old I realized I really needed to get her birth story in writing. It is such a wonderful story and I am excited to share it.

    I will rewind back to March when we went to Michigan for Spring Break.  I will admit I was a little nervous.  Although we had been talking to Amber for months it was still a little nerve racking to finally meet her face to face.  All the dumb thoughts of, "what if she doesn't like us anymore" run through your head.  But it was such a great trip.  I seriously don't think it could have gone any better.  It was great to get to know Amber better and to meet her sweet boy and her brother.
    We were lucky enough to get to go to a doctor appointment with her.  It was so cool to hear the babys heart beat in the little Doppler monitor thing.  She was not scheduled for an ultrasound but her dr. said since we traveled so far he would do one.  I was so excited.   The moment he put that thing on Amber's belly I was speechless.  Seeing our baby on that monitor was something I will never be able to explain.  It was amazing.  I seriously could of stayed in there all day and just watch her move and breath and be cute as can be!!  I was so grateful that Amber let us experience that with her.

    So of course the months between March and July seemed to drag on and on and on and on and on.......  I really thought sometimes that we were never going to make it to July.  Those were some of the most exciting, stressful, nerve racking, anticipating months!!!  But there were so fun because we were finally close enough to the birth that we could really start getting ready for the baby.  We got her room already, well mostly ready, Brandon painted her crib, I recovered the glider, it was just so much fun!!
    On June 16th, Tabitha with the help of others, threw me the biggest most beautiful baby shower ever!!!!  It was absolutely unbelievable the amount of time and love that went into this event.  It is defiantly a day I will never forget.  So many people came and showed their love and support for me and my family it was awesome.  I felt so loved on this day.  It was highly emotional for me and I felt a little weird having such a big shower when I didn't even have a pregnant belly but I would of given anything to have Amber there with us and she was on my mind all day that day.

    Okay, I will get to the main story now. Amber's due date was July 24th but her Dr. agreed to induce a week early just to make sure we were able to be there when the time came.  We were very grateful for this and excited that we would be parents 1 week sooner!  Brandon and I decided to fly into Michigan on Saturday, July 14th.  We got there super late and headed to the Shirts house.  (The Shirts are an awesome ward family to offered to house us while we were in Michigan to help save some money on hotel costs.  They were an amazing couple and we were so grateful for their willingness to allow strangers into their home to help us at such a time.   Their names are Cory and Elizabeth and we are grateful to call them friends now)  They were excited to have us but we were super tired and quickly went to bed once we got there.  The next day we decided to go to church with them before we went over to visit with Amber and Logan.  We just went to sacrament meeting and then headed to Riverview.  It was so great to see Amber and her cute belly and to visit with her and Logan.  We just kind of chatted and talked about how delivery day would be.  She gave us some gifts for the baby and I was so excited to get them.  She gave us some clothes and toys that her and Logan picked out and some things that were Logans. She also gave her a special box just for the baby to have one day.  It has such special things in it and I can not wait until Jordan is old enough to understand what everything is and how special it will be for her to have.  After visiting for a bit we decided to go get some dinner at Coney Island.  It was so great to see them again and we just couldn't wait for Tuesday!!!
    On Monday we just ran some errands and made sure we were all ready for the big events that would take place the next day.  I had such a hard time sleeping that night.  It was seriously like all 25 Christmas Eve's I have had in life mixed into one.  I think I look at the clock like every 15 minutes that night.  :)  I was so excited when the alarm finally went off at 6 am.  So we went to McDonald's to get some breakfast and then headed to Amber's house.  She was still waiting on her sister so we decided to head to the hospital and let them know that she was on her way.  At this point I was so excited and anxious and nervous!!  So many emotions I wasn't really sure what to do with them.  Once Amber got there they got her all checked in and started the induction and the waiting began.  I don't think any of us expected the wait to be so long.  ;)  We just spent the day hanging out watching the contraction and heart rate monitor.  Nothing was really happening.  Amber was having small contractions but nothing strong enough to get a baby here.  The little turkey baby would not stay still and I think the nurses spent more time trying to get the baby to stay on the heart monitor then anything else.  As each hour passed I was starting to get a little sad because I just wanted to meet her already!!!!  But Amber was such a trooper all day long.  Her spirits were always high and she was just so great!  About 14 hours later, with her only being dilated to a 3.5 they decided to call it a night.  But the hospital was great and they provided Brandon and I with our own room right next to Ambers.  So we all went to bed to get a good nights rest since the baby was NOT going  to come.  I was really hoping that we would get woken up in the middle night to tell us she was coming but we didn't.
    The next day we headed back over to Amber's room around 8 am.  She was still doing well and let us know that she pretty much did not have any contractions during the night and she was still only at a 3.5.  So once again they started the meds to try and bring on some contractions.  Well as time went on and still hardly any contractions,  let me rephrase that, Amber was having contractions and I am sure they hurt more then she let us know but I guess I should just say not very strong contractions, again we just waited.  Amber kept saying she felt bad because we just had to sit there but there was seriously nowhere else I would want to be!!!.  It was such a great experience even if we were not doing anything.   Once again the hours just kept passing and still no baby!!  But also once again, Amber was just doing so great and was in such a good mood and we were just so thankful that she allowed us to be there with her.
    Finally after about 33 hours of being in the hospital, Dr. Mohamed and Ambers nurse Dawn (pause again real quick.  Amber had the most amazing nurse ever.  He name was Dawn and if anyone has a baby in the Wyndotte hospital in Michigan be sure to try and get her as your nurse.  It was amazing!!!!)  Anyway , the nurse and the Dr. came in to talk to Amber about her options.  They let he know that she could either go home and try again another day or they could break her water.  Of course they had to explain to her the possibility of  a C-section with breaking her water. After thinking about she decided to go ahead and break her water so we could get this sweet baby here.  I think the idea of a c-section scared us all a little bit but we were all anxious to meet this sweet baby.  So the Dr. came in and broke her water.  I stood at Ambers head and seriously just cried through the whole thing.  It was so painful to Amber and it was so hard to watch her go through that.  I was very happy when they were done.  But while the dr was breaking her water, the baby was grabbing her fingers which told us that the little turkey had one hand above her head!!  The Dr. did her best to push it back down.  So once that was all done the dr. left and Dawn stayed in the room to monitor the contractions and the baby's heart rate.  We did notice that each time Amber would contract the baby's heart rate would drop but it wasn't dropping low enough to cause any problems thankfully.  I figured we would be waiting again for a while so I got my journal out and starting writing in it at 6:20 pm.  A couple minutes later the nurse says, "I know you are in the middle of a contraction but we have to flip you."  And she asked us to step out into the hallway.  We didn't think anything of it at first but then as we are standing in the hallway we hear Dawn say something and the only thing either of us heard was the word, "crash"  okay obviously the last word you want to hear anywhere is CRASH!!  I turned to Brandon and made sure I heard her correctly.  Well before he could even answer me Dawn is calling to all the Dr.'s and nurses that they are crashing in Room 1 (Amber's room)  Of course I freak out.  At this point we didn't know if it was Amber or the baby crashing and either way it was not good.  Instantly, there were Dr.'s and nurses running full speed down the hallway to the room.  I have never been so scared in my life.  I went back in the room at this point because Amber's sister had just gone downstairs and had no idea what was going on.  When I went in I couldn't believe how fast everyone was working.  They were quickly getting the bed and monitors unhooked and I heard them call for the OR to be prepped for a c- section.  Pretty much before I even had time to think much they were wheeling Amber full speed down the hallway to the OR.  Once they were gone I was able to find Amber's phone so I could call her sister.  I then went over to the monitor and saw that they last heart rate that had read for the baby was 52.  My heart just sank.  As you are preparing yourself for adoption, you always have to be prepared for the birth mother to change her mind but I never prepared myself so the possibility of the baby not making it.  Brandon and I couldn't figure out how to use Amber's phone so I just ran downstairs to get Tammie.  Of course the moment I saw her I lost it and couldn't even talk so I am sure I completely freaked her out.  But we quickly made our way back upstairs and rang the bell for them to let us in.  When you do that you have to tell them who you are and then they let you back.  Well because of what was going on they told us we would have to wait in the waiting room.  I was not happy and told them they did not understand.  We were not just visitors....  Again they told us to wait in the waiting room until someone came and got us.  Neither me or Tammie were very happy and we are both freaking out a bit.   Luckily just minutes later, Brandon and a nurse came out.  She said she couldn't really tell us much because it would break HEPA laws but she could tell us that the baby came out screaming.  All I could think to say was, "she is here already!!"  I was completely shocked and still completely scared because they wouldn't tell us anything about Amber. Again they told us we would have to wait in the waiting room until the had the baby in the recovery room.  I once again broke down in the waiting room.  I was so glad that our baby was finally here but I was still so shaken up over all the events that just happen and I was worried about Amber and all I could think about was the panicked look on her face as they were rushing her to the OR.
   Finally, they came and told us that we could come back to the recovery room.  Oh I was so excited and could not get through those doors quick enough.  Brandon, Tammie and I walked back there and laying in a little portable baby crib was the most perfect little swollen baby.  She was so beautiful and I was shocked to look at the little card on her crib and see how tiny she was.  She was 6.6 lbs and 19" long. Born at 18:35  Now Amber wanted to be the first to hold her so we just started and awwed over this precious baby.  I did unwrap her so I could look at every inch of her body.  Of course there were tears but finally they were just tears of joy. Pure joy.

    After what seemed like forever they wheeled Amber into the recovery room.  She was just barely coming out of the anesthesia but she was in so much pain. (Luckily she says she does not remember any of this)  They pulled the curtain to have some privacy while they check her all out since she just had a c-section.  As I stood on the opposite side of the curtain listening to the pain she was in I couldn't help but just cry.  It hurt me so bad to hear her in so much pain knowing that in the end she wasn't even the one who would take this sweet baby I was staring at home.  This is when the feelings of guilt set in.  Guilt was one emotion I was not prepared for.  But finally they were able to get her pain under control and it was time to move all of us to our room.  (Now I really hope Amber doesn't mind me sharing all this information but I want to always remember everything about this day and I want Jordan to be able to learn all about her Birthday)  But as they wheeled her around the curtain, Amber was totally sitting up Indian style.  The nurses just laughed and said they had never wheeled a patient out of the recovery room from a c-section sitting Indian style.  But I loved the look on Amber's face when they wheeled her past and she saw her baby for the first time.  There was pure love in her eyes.  Once she was situated in her room we all went in and Tammie called up the family.  It was so great to have so much of her family there.  I was so grateful that they were all able to meet Jordan.  Amber was the first to hold  her and I loved every minute of watching them together.  Then Logan got to love on her and then everyone else got to hold.  Jordan's birth family loves her so much and I just loved the time they got to spend  with her. Finally it was Brandon's turn.  Now for anyone who doesn't know, Brandon does not hold newborn babies.  He always says he was waiting until it was his and finally it was his.  He held her just like a pro.  It was so great to see him with our baby.  And then I got to her hold her.  It was amazing she was so tiny and cute and I was just in awe over her. Amber was so sweet and just kept telling us congratulations and how happy she was for us. It was so sweet.  Amber let me feed her her first bottle and she did great! She took right to it.  Well as the night went on they just did all the normal newborn baby stuff.  Bathed her, check her sugar, did a hearing test and she did great with all of them.  We were lucky enough to have a double room so we were able to share it with Amber.  We had the baby on our side so we could take care of her and so Amber could get some rest.  Some of the nurses were very confused with the whole situation but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.  Amber was able to spend lots of time with her at the hospital and she even took her for a few hours while me and Brandon got some shut eye.  I felt bad at first but then I figured she probably wanted to spend as much time with her as possible so I shouldn't feel bad.  Amber was so strong in the hospital it was amazing. By the 2nd day she was totally off her meds and ready to go home.  I pray everyday that our sweet baby inherits her mothers amazing strength.
    The first 2 nights in the hospital were a little rough for me.  Not many people may admit this but I want to be honest.   Don't get me wrong, I was totally in love with this baby but I think a part of me was holding back a bit.  Amber never gave me a reason to think that this wouldn't all work out but I was still a little reserved.  Also, Brandon was able to fill the roll of Daddy really easy because he was the only daddy there but I had a harder time filling the role of Mommy because I wasn't the only mommy there.  Amber, the women who just suffered so much to bring this baby into the world was right there on the other side of the curtain.  So I was kind of just a 2nd mommy.  Which is ridiculous because no one made me feel that way except me.  I also was so sick to my stomach the 2 days we were there so I was constantly having Brandon take care of the baby and I did feel bad about it.   But we made it through.

 Friday finally came and it was the day we would all go home.  I was a little nervous for this day cause I wasn't sure how it was all going to go down.  But it ended up being a great day.  We got all packed up and waited for the caseworker to come so we could all sign some papers.  We got them all signed and it was time to leave.  We were happy to all be discharged at the same time.  So me, Brandon, the baby, Amber, Logan, Tammie, Autum and Paige all walked down to the lobby.  Tammie went to get her car and Brandon went to get ours.  We all hugged and said our goodbye and a million thanks and congratulations and it was time to leave.  Tammie got her car up first and Amber and everyone got in the car and left.  I was standing there with the nurse and the baby waiting for Brandon to get the car up there and I totally broke down as I watched Amber pull away.  The gratitude I had for her at the moment was overwhelming.  But again the guilt set in as I watched Amber leave the hospital with ME holding HER baby.  My heart just hurt for her and I will never be able to imagine what she was feeling at that time.  Although I was so incredibly grateful for this miracle sleeping in the car seat my heart was still just so heavy and full of sorrow for Amber.  I think I pretty much cried the whole way back to our hotel.  But it was pretty funny how careful Brandon drove the whole way home.  It was so nerve racking driving with this brand new baby.

   Once back to our hotel we were all alone with this new miracle.  I again cried because I was afraid she knew that we just took her away from her mother and I was afraid she was going to hate me for that but Brandon reassured me that she will always love us and Amber for the miracle that took place that day.  (Silly emotions tend to get the best of me :/)  But then life as parents set in and it was incredible!!  I was scared to be all alone with her for the 1st couple weeks of her life because most people have their mom or another family member there to help out but it was actually really nice just to have this family time with her.  After a couple days we did finally decide on a name and we named her Jordan Dawn.  Jordan is a name I have had picked out forever and of course Brandon did not have any opposition to it. ;) and Dawn is Amber's middle name and we wanted her to always have a piece of Amber with her.  (Also, the nurse we had in the hospital who was amazing was named Dawn)  We were excited to finally announce her name.

 We stayed in Michigan for 2 weeks after she was born to wait for court dates and what not.  As much as I wanted to get out of the hotel it was so great to be so close to Amber and her family and be able to visit them whenever we wanted.  Those are times that we will never forget.
    Life has been amazing since we have been home and Jordan is just the greatest baby ever!!!!  She is now 2 months and growing like crazy.  She is the greatest blessing we have ever received and we love her more then word can ever describe.  She is the greatest addition to our family and we are so grateful to Amber and her entire family for loving us and Jordan enough to sacrifice so much to give us the world.
                                                                       1 Month
                                                                          2 Months

The link below is the amazing video that Amber made for Jordan.  It is a tear jerker but has so many more wonderful pictures in it. 

Friday, March 9, 2012

Adoption Journey

Well it has been about 6 months since I last posted so I decided maybe it was time for an update. :) I just wanted to record how the whole adoption journey has been so far. Anyone who has been through this knows that is a happy, sad, exciting, frustrating, overwhelming but full of joy experience and ours has been no different. My last post said that we were certified and shortly after that our profile on the itsaboutlove.org website went up. I was so excited and couldn't wait to get our first contact. I also started to quickly get our profile up on parentprofiles.com. LDS family services highly recommends putting your profile on here. It does cost money but it worth it. On Oct. 11 our profile went up on that website. When you read some of the success stories, people talk about being contacted within hours of their profile going up. Although I knew this was unlikely, of course I wanted that to happen. We have waited 7 years, why should we have to wait any longer right?!?! Well we didn't get contacted within hours but we did however get contacted within days. So here is the journey from our first contact to where we are today.

Oct. 13, 2011 - My work day had just started and I was back in the lounge making copies when my phone rings. I didn't recognize the number but I answered it. There was a lady on the other end who asked if this was Jessica. I told her it was and then she says to me "i saw your application online and I liked it." My first thought was, my application? what application? And then she said the one on parentprofiles. So now I am catching on. But at the same time as I am catching I realize oh my gosh this is our first contact! What do i say? What do i ask? So I told her I was glad she contacted us. I asked her where she was from, if she knew her due date and if she had any questions for me. The only questions she had is what now?? Well I don't know what now I have never done this before! lol. But I tell her that if she would like I could have my case worker call her and they can discuss what needs to happen since she was in another state. She told me that she was due end of February beginning of March. Well over the next week we text a couple time and worked with our caseworker to try and get her connected with the case worker in her state. Let me tell you this was mass confusion!!!! Hannah, our case worker, is telling me that the office in her state has been calling her but they just get her voicemail. M, the birthmom, is telling us that no one has called her. Finally I guess she got one of the voicemail and called them back but only to get the office voicemail. So now they are playing phone tag. Talk about frustrating when there is nothing you can do about it. Anyway, finally after about a week Hannah tells me that the office has tried to contact M 4 times and have not heard back from her. So I text M just to ask if she had got the messages and at this point I got a rather rude response basically telling us that if we were really interested that we would of made this work a little better. Ugh! I didn't even know what to say. I had done all I could. Needless to say, this contact did not work out. Surprisingly, I was not that sad over it. You know I never really got like the real excited, oh my gosh this is our baby feeling. And when Brandon and I talked about it, he said the same thing. Which this might sound crazy because you would think, after waiting 7 years who cares where the baby comes from, just give me one. But trust me when I say that is not the case. I have heard several times through out this adoption process, " You are not looking for A baby you are looking for YOUR baby." I realized with this 1st contact how true that is.

Nov. 7, 2011 - We got a message from a friend on facebook about a baby that was needing a home. She said she didn't know much about it but gave me the information I needed to find out. It was for a little baby boy who had been born 5 weeks early. He was doing remarkably well and the birth parents were trying to find an adoptive family while they were in the hospital. I contacted the agency who was helping this couple and I got all the information regarding it. Because it was not through LDS family services we would have to pay all fees associated with this agency. So we had the caseworker send us everything so we could make a decision. After reading through everything and some prayers again we did not feel like this was our baby and choose not to submit our home study. It is amazing how much more you have to pay when you go through anyone other then LDSFS. Sometime it is hard when you hear about these babies because you want them to have a great home and even though you don't know them or their families a part of your heart still wants to make sure they get to a good family. Obviously we will never know what become of these children but through lots of prayer I am sure everything works out for each of them.

Dec. 1, 2011 - I was sitting at home alone watching tv because Brandon was working when my phone beeped that I had a text message. When I looked at it, it was a text message from Parentprofiles. I read it and it said that we had just been contacted through our profile, please log on to read message. My heart totally jumped when I read this. Excitement quickly filled my body and then I thought to myself, don't be silly you haven't even read the message yet! I also thought it was weird that I got a text message. I didn't know that it worked that way. Anyway, I quickly log on to our account and sure enough we had a message. It was just a short message from a girl that said something to the effect of, "My name is A, I am 5 weeks pregnant and I am seriously considering private adoption. i saw your profile and wanted to get to know more about you guys and see if you are the parents for my bundle." My heart was racing a little bit after reading it and I was bummed that Brandon wasn't home for me to tell him. So I quickly responded to her message and just prayed that night that we would actually here back from her. This was on a Thursday so Friday came, then Saturday, then Sunday and then Monday and we still hadn't heard from her. So I was getting a little bummed at this point but figured I am sure she has a life and maybe just hasn't gotten around to it. So I tried to just forget about it but that so wasn't happening. On the contact screen from her original message, her phone number was on there and I kept going back and forth on whether or not I should send her a text. Finally I decided what the heck. What would a simple text message hurt. So I did. I just said something about Thank you for contacting us. I just wanted to make sure you got our message and it didn't go to your junk mail or something. Hope to hear from you soon. I told Brandon, she probably thinks we are crazy since I responded to her first contact so quick!! She probably thinks all I do is sit by the computer waiting for someone to contact us. lol but that is not the case. I just happened to get the text on my phone and that is how I knew about it. If I hadn't got that text I wouldn't of seen it til the next morning when I came to work. Anyway, I was so excited when she text me back. She said that sure enough our message had gone to her junk mail and that she was glad I text her cause she was starting to think all those profiles were fake or that she was scaring people away. So we talked over text message for that day and learned a little bit more about each other. She did tell me that she was on facebook so I told I was too and she was welcome to add me as a friend. She did and it was fun to be able to look at her pictures and read her info to learn a little more about it. I had sent her a message on facebook just thanking her again for contacting us and for adding me as a friend on facebook and just let her know that if she has any questions to please feel free to ask them. Well we never heard back from her after that. :( By some of the comments that had been left on her page, we assumed she had just decided to keep the baby. I was bummed. I had aloud myself to get so excited over this contact. But she had told us that she was just considering adoption so I guess I knew that this could happen. But something just felt right so I was bumming over it. But through everything in adoption you just have to pray for strength to make it through and you have to have faith that when the timing is right it will all work out.

Dec. 11, 2011 - I checked my email that night when I was at home and we had another contact. Brandon was home this time so I told him to come over to the computer so we could read it. So I open the message and this is what it says,
" I like to be u child becoz I wish to all to be happy thogh I have parents I want to satisfy u."
WTH?!?! umm okay. I have to say this one freaked me out just a little bit. I just looked at Brandon and said, " oh sweetie, how much more of this can I take!!" Lets just say we didn't even bother responding to that one.

Dec. 17, 2011 - We had another contact through parentprofiles. It was for child with Aspert Syndrome which is a syndrome that causes significant physical deformities. Now we are completely open to special needs children but after doing some research and praying about it we just didn't feel like we would be able to provide the necessary needs for this child. Let me tell you the guilt you feel when you pass up a special needs child. You really have to look deep within yourself and make sure you are making the right decision and not a selfish decision. Even when you know that you are making the right decision there is still a sense of guilt and wonder for this child.

Dec. 19, 2011 - I received a call from a lady named Gina. She worked for a down syndrome association and works with placing foster children who have down syndrome. She had received our number from a lady in our ward and wanted to talk to us about some children. She said that she had a group of siblings. 3 kids. The older 2 were girls and the baby was a boy. The baby had down syndrome and just had open heart surgery. She said that the parents rights were going to be taken away. The kids were split up right now in foster homes but they really wanted to find a family who would take them all so they could stay together. She wanted to know if this was something we would be interested in. ummmm.......well that was a lot of take in. I told her obviously I would have to talk to Brandon and we would have to do some praying but we are open to everything. She was excited to hear that. The one main problem was the fact that these kids were in the system and we were not foster/adopt certified. That could cause some problems but Gina said that miracles happen and that the Judge would probably just be happy to hear that someone is willing to take them. Hearing her say that kind of broke my heart. That someone would be willing to take them. Who wouldn't be willing to take them?!?!?! Anyway, she told me that she was having a meeting regarding these kids the next day and she would keep in touch with me regarding what happens. Well weeks and weeks past and I never heard from her. I never really thought this one would truly work out just because of the fact that we were not foster certified through the state and once the kids are in the state system that is usually the only way they can be adopted. But after this contact it made us reconsider taking the foster classes to become certified. We figured that if we are praying so hard for the Lord to give us a child that we need to make sure we are doing everything we can to make that happen. So I started the process of finding out about the foster program.

Jan. 3, 2012 - We got another contact from Parent profiles. It was for a little girl who was 4 months old and has Prader Willi Syndrome. I requested more information regarding and her and in the email I got back they explained her condition and even attached a picture of her. If seeing a picture doesn't make you want to just wrap that baby in your arms I am not sure what does. She was such a cute little red headed baby girl! The fees to adopt her were well within our range and again the wheels start turning. We originally said that we wanted a newborn but once I saw that sweet picture my heart immediately went out to this baby. Especially after reading her story. So me and Brandon talked about it and we researched Prader Willi a little bit more and we decided we would pray about it. After a couple days I asked Brandon what his impressions were. And his reply was, "well someone has to be her parents." I was so excited to hear him say that cause I had been feeling so good about submitting our profile. So I sent Hannah and email telling about this little girl and asking her if we could get a copy of our home study to send to the other agency. This was on Saturday and the next day was Fast Sunday. I asked Brandon if he would like to fast with me just to be sure that this was the right decision. So we fasted that day for confirmation on our decision. As the day went on my mind kept turning to this little girl. And the more I thought about her the more I didn't feel right about submitting our home study. I didn't understand this. Why did I feel so good about it the day before? Why had I been so excited and why was I already thinking about her being in our family? Although I had a lot of questions why, later that evening I told Brandon my impressions and we talked about it and both decided that maybe this wasn't for us. Living in a small town away from any type of specialist would of made all the appointments she would have to go to very difficult. I would most likely have to quite my job. Although that is the main goal anyway, for me to stay at home, we knew that we would have no choice because she would of required a lot of time and attention. Now writing that sounds really bad. Of course we would do anything for the health and well being of our children, no question about that. But we really had to look and see if that was something we would be able to do at this time. Were we being fair to her family if we wouldn't be able to care for her the way she needed. Of course all would work out but these are all things you have to really think about when you are taking a child from one home into your own. So the next day Hannah called me and told me that she would be happy to send us our home study. I then told her that we decided maybe this wasn't the best option for us. I told her the guilt I felt and again that I truly had to look at myself and make sure I was not making a selfish decision. i explained all my anxiety over the situation. Hannah made me feel so much better. She said that by fasting and praying that we were doing exactly what we are supposed to do and that every situation is not going to be right for us. She said the once the right birth mom and the right baby comes along that we won't feel any of the anxiety and the decision will be a peaceful one. She told me not to feel guilty but to know that the Lord will direct us each step of the way. Oh man did I feel so much better after talking to her. I then let the agency of the baby girl know that we would not be submitting our profile but that we will continue to pray for her and her family. I hope with all my heart that they were able to find a loving family for that adorable little baby!
Oh that was an emotional one to write.

Jan. 9, 2012 - We signed up for the foster classes!! I was excited. Unfortunately, they were not holding any in Safford. The closest location was in Wilcox. What?!?! Well we figure it would cost about $300 in gas over the 12 week course and we could handle that. The only other thing that stunk was the fact that it was on Wednesday evenings so we would both be missing mutual and Brandon would not be able to work on those days. But it was only 12 weeks so we could endure and once we were done we would be foster/ adopt certified and maybe find our children.
We attended our first class on the 11th and it was interesting. haha. They gave us loads of paper work and sent us off having filled us with fear to make sure this was something we really wanted to do. Well we decided it was and returned the next week with most of our paperwork done. Brandon really thought the whole thing was weird. And well, it kind of was. Well we never completed those classes and my next entry will explain why.

Jan. 15, 2012 - I check my facebook to see that I have a message. I was assuming it was from my grandpa cause I was waiting for him to write me back but when I clicked on it i was surprised to see that it was from A. The birth mom who had contacted us back on Dec. 1st! As soon as I saw it my heart jumped and started racing. I read her message and right away that excitement grew in me. This is what her message said, Hello sorry haven't responded but I needed too step back for a.bit and make sure I was making the right decision aswell as making sure I saw the doctors a few times to make sure all was well and healthy which the baby is great very healthy and energetic lol well all that said I have decided adoption is for sure for me I'm just not financially stable enough to care for another baby and if your still interested please let me know have a great day love A and L
I was so excited to hear from her again. So I responded to her that we were still interested and so glad to hear from her again. We continued to talk and I was able to get her connected with the LDSFS in her state and for the last 2 months everything has been going great!!! She is due July 24th and we are so excited! It is funny when I think back to the first contact from her and the things that happened regarding it. Like the fact that I got a text message that she had contacted us. I never again received a text message when we had a contact. Also the instant joy and excitement I felt when she contacted us. And how bummed I was when we didn't hear from her again. But it all makes sense now. Of course just like all the other potential children we have fasted and prayed and have been assured and comforted over and over in this decision. A is always so sweet to keep us posted on her Dr. appointments and she always send us a picture when she gets and ultrasound. She just found out last week that the little bundle growing inside her is a GIRL!!!! Of course we would be of been excited either way but it is so fun finally knowing!!! I just love to look at the ultrasound picture and try to imagine what she may look like. I love to look at her little profile and imagine kissing her cheeks and loving all over her. I love to look at her little back and her belly and imagine rubbing and burping and tickling. Oh the joy that those pictures bring me. It is hard to imagine being so excited over someone that is growing in another women's belly but the joy I feel is almost indescribable. I love to hear from A. I love to hear how her day is going and how she is feeling. I love to see her posts on facebook and get that small glimpse in her and her son's life. I loved our conversation yesterday when she literally had me laughing out loud.
I will probably never be able to express to A my appreciation for her. I will never be able to thank her enough or repay her for the gift that she is giving me and Brandon. I will never be able to repay her for the void that she is filling in our lives. But I do hope I can do all I can to make her comfortable with us. To make sure she knows how grateful we are and how much we love her for her selfless sacrifice. We are going to spend a few days with her during Spring Break and we are so excited!! It will be a little nerve racking just because this will be there first time we will meet her face to face but it should be so good. She scheduled a Dr. appointment while we are there so hopefully we will get to see the baby. Just writing that make me so excited!! So we look forward to Spring Break and we really look forward to July!! I will do my best to keep this a little more updated as things happen!!!

*If you really read all of that I know that you truly love us!!!